Sipping Scotch at Tolkien’s Table Whilst We Talked of Demons, Part V: Mon Cala Strikes Back

Last we left off, Lazzari had disproven the trans-galactic savior school of Thomistic soteriology by reference to his earlier proof that aliens are not humans. Thus, the conclusion he reached regarding scenario 4 was as follows: “While the advantage of the first school is that it takes the Incarnation as the awe-inspiring event that it is, it has a crucial flaw in that it neglects the importance of nature in soteriology. Without the crucial point of human nature being the instrument by which God chose to redeem us, why would it be essential to the Tome of Leo and the Chalcedonian necessity?” (Lazzari 453). After all, if Christ’s being human didn’t matter, then why did we write that it mattered? It has to be important because we wrote that it’s important. Thus, human Jesus did not redeem the entire universe because “He did it through His human nature and not just His divine nature. Our human nature was the way by which we are redeemed and are incorporated into the mystical body of Christ and this cannot merely be transferred to something with another nature given the centrality of the concept of nature to the Church’s interpretation of the Redeemer” (453). So aliens weren’t saved by Jesus.

However, this still leaves us hanging with regards to whether or not the entire cosmos fell. Could it be that Adam made the whole cosmos break but Jesus fixed only the part of it that pertained to human nature and left the rest of it broken, in which case we could still need alien redeemers? Unlikely. It seems that Lazzari is implying that because the nature you have when you commit original sin matters then the nature that was affected by Adam’s fall would only be human nature. Thus, it was only human nature that was redeemed because it was only human nature that fell.

Nonetheless, this still leaves open the possibility of Mon Calamari Adam fucking the Mon Calamari over at some unspecified date. There was also that brief little moment in Lazzari’s text about humanity doing something non-moral to the universe but we’re not sure what it was: “Even if there were a more substantial effect that the fall of man had on the universe, the fall of another extraterrestrial species would have had to be a deliberate moral fall, as opposed to the non-moral disruption of the universe caused by humanity” (447).

Come on man, you don’t just slip in a cryptic remark about humanity modifying the entire universe and just walk away from it. In any case, whatever a “non-moral disruption of the universe” is, it clearly doesn’t impact whether you go to fire-land or cloud-land so…I guess it doesn’t matter? Also, is it possible for aliens to then do a “non-moral disruption of the universe” possibly counteracting whatever was the original non-moral disruption like a positive charge cancelling out a negative charge? In any case, it’s irrelevant to the matter of Mon Calamari Christ so we’re moving on. Let’s just think of the non-moral effect of Adam’s fall in the universe to be like that kid who drops a pen in the middle of the SAT; the sound echoes out into the whole room but everyone just keeps taking the test without looking.

Also, hate to disappoint you, but Lazzari’s joining in the “mystical body” is more like getting into a country club than Brahman splitting into Radha-Krishna so that God could have mystical sex with Itself/themselves to represent cosmic unity, bliss and love:

Or choose another shakti/shaktiman if this isn’t your favorite ship. There are a lot of different Hindu sects that worship God as a female (shakti) and male (shaktiman) conjoined in the absolute (Brahman), rather than just worshiping Shakti as the supreme goddess (Shaktism) or just worshiping Shiva as supreme God (Shaivism). One of my favorite ships is Kali (demon-slaying most powerful form of Shakti) and Shiva (destructive aspect of the Supreme Reality) both of whom are Brahman cause we’re all just different manifestations of the same transcendent absolute here:

I prefer the ten-armed Mahakali myself, but two-armed Samhara Kali is cool too. Also, this is the Bhairava version of Shiva.

Typically, in Hindu Yab-Yum (the pics and statues of Gods fucking) the male represents strength but also passivity. The female is the power necessary for that strength to manifest. Think of her as a kind of activation energy. Together they enable existence and metaphorize the aggregating principle of reality that drives all being and animation (btw, Western Neo-platonism calls that principle Eros–that’s right, the universe is structured by erotic love and all change and motion is effectively a cosmic sex dance. Here’s a poem by a Romantic poet that depicts the same idea). No wonder that Pentecostal girl I met said that the entire Hindu pantheon was demons!

Also “Hinduism” is a bullshit term invented by the British to group together what are really hundreds of different theologies with varying degrees of philosophical and mythological overlap, but I digress. In any case, tell your Marxist materialist English professor that you’ve taken his advice to say “fuck the West” by first saying “Fuck Marxist materialism” and go read Indian philosophy.

But let’s see what Lazzari has to say about the second school of Thomistic alien soteriology now that he’s written off the trans-galactic savior school.

Now, it’s this second school that’s my absolute favorite. Why, you ask? Because it’s this school and only this school that says unambiguously and without hesitation

Besides, Lazzari calls this one “heresy” and whenever you see the word “heresy” there’s a good chance something fun is going down. As Lazzari tells us:

“The most prominent proponent of this second school highlights the main presuppositions of this school very well. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, one of the earliest and most influential Catholic commentators on the subject, insisted that, since death and corruption were in the universe before humanity, original sin is in reality ‘the essential reaction of the finite to the creative act. Inevitability it insinuates itself into existence through the medium of all creation…Strictly speaking, there is no first Adam. The name disguises a universal and unbreakable law of reversion or perversion–the price that had to be paid for progress'” (453).

Gotta’ break a few eggs to make an omelette. I know what the eggs are (original sin and like 99% of everybody gettin’ damned) but I’m not so sure what the omelette is. Is that cloud-land? But weren’t Adam and Eve already in paradise? What are we progressing to that’s worth eternal agony for the majority of immortal souls?

In any case, it seems that de Chardin at least realizes that there wasn’t actually a dude named Adam. After all, Lazzari’s citation shows us that de Chardin’s paper showed up in Christianity and Evolution, a publication with a title that promises to put us as far forward as the nineteenth-century. However, I do have sympathies with Lazzari’s aversion to the whole inevitable universal reversion of the entire cosmos thing as a response to getting created. So basically de Chardin is saying that no matter how loving a parent the Lord is, His creation will go through a phase of wearing all black and glaring from the back of the classroom while listening to screamo.

Lazzari lets us know that de Chardin is wrong and going to fire-land: “Because of this (heretical concept of) the inevitable and universal domain of sin, Teilhard de Chardin accuses Catholic dogma of being nearly inextricable from geocentrism and anthropocentrism,” (453). How utterly unfair. Accusing super Truth of geocentrism and anthropocentrism? Why, it’s no more geocentric to make earth the center of cosmic melodrama anymore than it’s anthropocentric to make God a human. Truly, de Chardin is terrorizing Catholic dogma with heresy. Why, next he’ll be upholding the LGBTQIA+ Empire and seeking to deprive the Church of its liberty of religious freedom by asking it to stop damning the gays to eternal agony in fire-land.

Lazzari gives us a sizeable quotation from de Chardin, in which de Chardin provides the argument for what we’ve all been waiting for:

So, really, the idea of God becoming a human? In de Chardin’s own words, “Just ridiculous.” I mean, there’s an entire universe out there. We need God to become at least several billion aliens too. All in all, de Chardin gives us even more than we hoped for because we’re not just talking about this:

We’re talking about THIS:


Well, maybe not the Ewok. Their souls are questionably rational...

With characteristic brevity, Lazarri takes down de Chardin in one 3-inch margin paragraph of ratiocination:

“Teilhard de Chardin is here falling into a typical problem for the scholarly literature asserting the necessity of multiple Incarnations: the scandal of particularity. From the history of the seemingly insignificant Jewish people to the outcast of first-century Palestine with whom Jesus spent most of His earthly life to all of the uneducated, small, and weak of the world who have shamed the strong in Christ, it is clear that the God of Christianity favors the small groups of people ‘arbitrarily chosen from countless others'” (Lazzari 454).

You see, de Chardin doesn’t understand that God’s making a human male on earth the center of the universe was His act of appreciation for the marginalized, a gesture of cosmic affirmative action. Why, isn’t it just like a heretic to scoff at divine humility! Why, the supreme Lord of the entire cosmos Himself choosing to become the marginalized testifies to His inclusivity and love (well, there are certain limits…I mean it’s not like we’re gonna’ become a Wookie slave or Tuskan Raider on Tatooine or a woman). You shame his ass, Lazzari. That’s right. Show him who’s humble!

If there’s any doubt left about whether or not de Chardin is going to fire-land then I think this last comment clears that up:

“The same argument that Teilhard de Chardin is using against there being only one Incarnation would also exclude the only confirmed Incarnation and also tells against every way we know God works. This cannot be a valid approach to the soteriology of extraterrestrials in the Christian tradition” (454).


I mean, it can’t be right because it goes against every way we know that God works. Since we already understand God and it’s been confirmed that He became a dude by a human book from antiquity it’s obvious that God became us and only us and not any of the other trillions of possible species in the galaxy. Shutup or super hell.

Thus, we are now in a position to understand Lazzari’s answer to the next scenario which is, continuing from the last to the first (as is fitting):

3) Humanity fell on its own and the Mon Calamari fell on its own but the two events are independent of each other.

“If our hypothetical extraterrestrials have fallen as a species as human beings did, there are more options. As stated above, many scholars have proposed that there either be as many Incarnations as there are species in need of salvation or that all rational extraterrestrial life ought to be baptized” (455). As a refresher, he’s referring both to the alien Jesus school (i.e. de Chardin’s multiple incarnations) and also the trans-galactic savior school, which asserts that aliens should get baptized because human Jesus counts for their incorporation into the mystical body of Christ (i.e. they get a pass to the Church’s spiritual country club). Lazzari has disproven both of them with God science.

He continues: “Though the first option does respect the Chalcedonian necessity of a common nature for salvation, it is highly unfitting. While it may be (as St. Thomas states) well within the power of God for any of the Persons of the Trinity to incarnate as the Son did for humanity, the awe inspiring entry of eternity in time seems to be the definitive intervention of God in the universe. While it is possible for it to be repeated, the Incarnation is such an important and pivotal event in the universe that it would not be fitting for such an event to be repeated” (455).

It was super special awesome and super special awesome things only happen once. I mean, if you do them over and over they wouldn’t be super special awesome things now would they? After all,

It’s like if something is on sale for 70% off every day then it’s no longer really on sale. If there’s a buy two get three sale on Mountain Dew at Target, you wouldn’t go ‘whoaaa’ and fill your entire shopping cart with it if you could just do that all the time.

There we have it folks…not only does human Jesus only save humans and this is fitting, but alien Jesus ain’t gonna’ happen because alien Jesus isn’t fitting. Ok, so God could technically do it with any of the three persons that the one God is but it’s just not fitting.

So technically, according to God’s infinite awesomeness:

But really:

It’s just not fitting. Could happen. Not saying God isn’t awesome enough to put a left glove on a right hand, but it’s not fitting. Why is it fitting for humans to fall and get redeemed with a human Jesus and not fitting for aliens to fall and get redeemed with alien Jesus? Is it because the human thing happened first and God was like “already did that. Not doing it again”? So does that mean we were just first to the whole virtually fucking over the species thing? If the Mon Calamari fell first would it then be most fitting for Jesus to become a Mon Calamari and only a Mon Calamari such that we would be in the position of the aliens and the Mon Calamari would be arguing over the status of our souls and whether or not we could go to Mon Calamari church?

I expected that you would have given up on unaided human reason right around the whole 3 = 1 thing but here you are still persisting on your own damnation.

What about fitting don’t you understand? You wouldn’t put a right glove on a left hand, would you? In the same way, God wouldn’t do what God doesn’t resolve to do. Fitting-ness is qualified necessity insofar as it is necessary once the qualification of resolving to do what one deems necessary is resolved upon!

Fit it in your brain already.

But what happens to the Admiral Ackbar we all know and love? If human Jesus doesn’t help him and there’s no Mon Calamari Christ and the Mon Calamari have original sin, then what happens to their immortal souls? Lazzari has left us with one hell of a cliff-hanger.

As does the third school of Thomistic alien soteriology. The third school, Lazzari tells us, advocates for a boring-hedging-wishy-washy non-committal agnosticism. This one doesn’t have the cosmic melodrama of Adam fucking over the entire universe followed by a trans-galactic act of salvation several thousand years later with a spherical shell of damned-no-matter-what in-between said events spreading throughout the entire universe. It also doesn’t have the epic-scale polyalien multi-aspect redemption. It’s just a gigantic theological “meh.” As Lazzari tells us,

“The third is a respectful agnosticism about God’s plans for extraterrestrial life, with a special emphasis on divine freedom not necessitating either of these options” (451-2).

So basically Lazzari falls into the “meh” school of Thomistic alien soteriology with qualification. The “meh” school of Thomistic alien soteriology doesn’t want to say what’s necessary, only what’s possible. Though Lazzari does say it’s possible for alien Jesus to happen (i.e. it’s not necessary that alien Jesus not happen) he does differ from the “meh” school’s pure agnosticism in that he asserts it is highly unlikely that alien Jesus would happen due to the whole fitting-ness thing. The “meh” school just says “meh” and Lazzari says “ehhhhhhhh–no.”

But don’t worry: “The remainder of this paper will be attempts to sketch possible avenues of divine action other than an Incarnation for each intelligent species or the direct incorporation of non-human intelligent life into the sacramental life of the Church. While one can never limit divine power and creativity to do what human beings cannot conceive, based on the teachings of St. Thomas Aquinas, this paper will merely suggest non-exhaustive avenues of proceeding” (454).

So if you’ve got your own fan-fiction about how God could save Admiral Ackbar’s ass please do submit. There are infinite ways of proceeding. Why, I might even post the most fitting one.

As Lazzari tells us, “Something that the third school of thought stressed was that it is entirely possible for God to use other means to heal intelligent non-human extraterrestrials of original sin. It is entirely possible that God could use some of the possibilities St. Thomas enumerated that were perfectly in line with God’s justice and mercy. God could, in His justice, allow the extraterrestrial species be condemned to Hell for their sins. More hopefully, God could forgive this species of its sin entirely without requiring satisfaction” (455).

So he could just decide to burn the immortal soul of literally every alien ever in fire-land for all eternity for eating an apple (or the alien equivalent). Or he could say “fuck it” and let everyone off the hook. Uh oh, I feel my unaided human reason tingling again…out Satan! Out!

Let’s work it out slowly with the help of cosmo-theological-metaphysico-idiotological symbolifical demonstration:

God’s Justice and Mercy = Forgiving everybody


God’s Justice and Mercy = Damning everybody


Same difference.

Alternatively, telepathy:

“Perhaps He could also couple this action with innate knowledge of it in the minds of the species. While St. Thomas sees that there are no innate ideas in human nature because of its particular psychology, it is entirely possible that a different species could have innate ideas. With this innate knowledge of forgiveness, grace could be given directly to individuals without a community and then accepted or refused by individuals. This option would be fitting if the species also had very little need for physical community and support. If the individuals of the species thrived in solitude rather than in community, it would be a very different kind of being than human beings, but it would be possible and fitting for God to save them in this way” (455-6).

So basically, God could telepathically implant knowledge of salvation into the heads of aliens sort of like how your video game tells you when it’s auto-saving. It could just auto-save in the background but that would create a lot of anxiety. Humanity, on the other hand, has to reach a save point.

Telepathically implanting knowledge of auto-saving into aliens works even better when the aliens are introverted and don’t have to go to Church. Instead God’s grace gives each one individually a special pass to the spiritual country club inside them.

And if you think it’s kinda’ creepy that God can get inside your head don’t even bother to bring out your tinfoil hat. You think the Lord can’t penetrate through that shit? I mean, he impregnated a virgin. God is like the metaphysical NSA. He reads even the text messages you only thought about sending.

You see, in God and academia all things are possible.

We could go on and on and on speculating on the different means by which God could correct the original sin of aliens but we’re gonna have to stop if we want to address scenarios 2 and 1 in the order that is most fitting. What happens if the aliens commit personal sins but not original sin? Remember the difference between doing the naughty when you don’t virtually contain the entire species within you and doing the naughty when you do? Only the latter constitutes original sin. The former is just plain old sin. This is gonna’ require a little bit of elaboration on Lazzari’s part about what it means to virtually contain the species within oneself and how said sinful action affects it.

Stay tuned for the next episode and get ready to experience Admiral Ackbar in a way you’ve never experienced him before as Edmund Lazzari shows you how to hand over your senses to an entirely virtual reality in…

Coming soon to a blog near you.

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