As we left off in our last post, Lazzari proved that aliens have immortal souls and “it was established that, according to the principles of Thomistic metaphysics, intelligent extraterrestrial life forms with radically different matter than human beings do not have human natures” (Lazzari, 445). In other words, aliens are not humans. However, since they don’t disintegrate like pizza and fruit flies and armchairs when they die, we have to figure out what God does to their immortal souls. Nonetheless, “Because of the crucial role that the assumption of a human nature plays…in Thomistic soteriology, it is not possible to simply transfer the effects of the life of Jesus Christ to other intellectual beings who are not sharers in human nature” (451). In other words, aliens are not saved by Jesus because Jesus was made of human stuff and not alien stuff. What happens to their immortal souls? Do they hang out with limbo babies? Is there a special alien cloud-land and alien fire-land? How come Michelangelo didn’t paint Admiral Ackbar on the Sistine Chapel? Patience, my inquisitive child. Ask and it will be given to you.
With Lazzari as our spiritual guide, we are well on the way to discovering the relevance of the rest of the entire universe to the Christian Truth that was revealed on earth. As of now, it’s looking pretty good for alien Jesus–at least, according to my finite reason. After all, if human Jesus didn’t suffice because he was made of human stuff and not alien stuff, then it seems like we’re gonna’ need a being with alien stuff to save aliens. In other words…
Does Lazzari conclude in favor of the necessity of Mon Calamari Christ, however? Let’s find out.
As you will recall from my last post, Lazzari considers four possible scenarios in relation to alien Jesus:
1) Only humanity is fallen and the Mon Calamari are unfallen and never commit sins.
2) Only humanity is fallen and the Mon Calamari are unfallen and some commit personal sins.
3) Humanity fell on its own and the Mon Calamari fell on its own but the two events are independent of each other.
4) Because humanity fell, LITERALLY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WAS FUCKED.
Before Lazzari addresses each of the four scenarios to come to a conclusion about alien Jesus and whether or not Admiral Ackbar’s soul is saved, Lazzari tells us that the issue at stake is not just about whether human Jesus saves aliens (we know He doesn’t) but whether Jesus needs to happen at all. No matter how morally broke-ass anybody is. In other words, even if everybody is eating apples and the universe is ∞% fucked, does God have to become 200% awesome (incarnation of a God-man) and get nailed to wood by Romans (or get killed in some other way by an alien Empire)?
What?! I can already hear your shock. Not need Jesus? But everyone needs Jesus! Calm down, calm down. Lazzari will explain this too, child. But first, you need to stop relying on your unaided reason and bow your head as the plowman does in obedient grace and beauty to revelation. Individual reason left to its own devices is a quarrelsome and pettish child who harms himself and knows it not. Smiling upon him in loving patience, his parents merely ask that he do what they say out of loving trust in their higher wisdom, knowing that to explain to children is always vain. For our individual reason, God has given us out of His infinite mercy and wisdom the remedy of Edmund Lazzari.
As Lazzari tells us, “While a hypothetical Thomistic philosophical cephalopodology could be generated on the basis of the metaphysical principles of St. Thomas Aquinas with relatively little speculation, theology is a different science than philosophy and requires revelation because it includes truths that are not accessible to unaided human reason” (445). Just as my finite human mind was the cause of my inability to understand the goodness of God’s healing the toe of an upper-middle class divinity school student while letting genocide happen in a third world country, my finite human mind is at risk of leading me astray in the matter of alien Jesus. Thankfully, we can account for the fallenness of human reason by submitting our minds unthinkingly and instantaneously to the teachings of the Catholic Church and men like Lazzari who speak for it. Truly, we are lucky to have an antidote for the brain and the dangers that follow from a lack of thoughtless obedience to the dictums of human men in pointy hats.
The scientist of God continues: “What will follow both in this theological cephalopodology and in the soteriology of extraterrestrials will mainly be a consideration of different options and arguments from fittingness” (445). What is fittingness you ask? Well, it’s why Ash picks Pikachu for every single Pokemon battle even if it means the battle will take four hours and the enemy is resistant to electricity and Pikachu gets the shit beaten out of him when Ash could have ended the battle in two seconds with a different Pokemon. It just makes sense. It’s Pikachu. Sure, Ash could do things a different way, but somehow another Pokemon just wouldn’t be as satisfying. I mean, it’s Pikachu. Yeah, I know you know what I mean.
In the same way, Lazzari tells us, “it is by the Incarnation that humanity is saved, but it could have happened another way. For instance, it would have been perfectly in keeping with God’s justice to simply forgive humanity of its collective fault without requiring satisfaction for it. Since the fault of humanity was an offense against God, then it was well within the bounds of justice for the one against whom a fault was committed to completely dismiss the offense against him” (449).
So, in other words, God could have just said, “Fuck it. Imma’ write this one off.” But instead He decided to let humanity perpetrate evil against itself for a couple thousand years whereupon everyone was damned no matter what before incarnating himself so he could be nailed to wood by Romans, say he’s coming back some day, and then rise forth to cloud-land and let humanity back at it for a couple thousand more years with most people going to fire-land and a few earning a ticket to cloud-land until the lamb breaks the seventh seal signalling the apocalypse and the trumpeting angels show up to sort out humanity once and for all with the overwhelming majority of us burning in eternal agony in fire-land while the others watch from cloud-land.
In other words, the Incarnation was God’s way of saying…
In fact, not only was it well within God’s justice to say “Fuck it,” Lazzari tells us, “St. Thomas holds that what God actually chose to do is even more in keeping with God’s mercy and justice” (449). That’s right folks. All that jazz is more merciful than “Fuck it.” Now we begin to understand what Lazzari meant about the perils of using the brain–I mean, reason unaided by revelation.
Lazzari offers more impeccable logic on par with his earlier argument that material things are made of matter: “For St. Thomas Aquinas, the Incarnation is not the only way that humanity could have been saved. He states that the Incarnation was ‘necessary’ for salvation in a qualified sense. Since the Lord willed to save us in this way and it is sufficient for our salvation, the Incarnation can be said to be necessary to that end much in the same way that if I have resolved to go to Boston from Washington by way of New York City, it is necessary that I pass through New York City to fulfill my resolution. It was fitting that the Incarnation occur because human nature was in need of salvation and it is by the Incarnation that humanity is saved, but it could have happened another way” (448-9).
At first Lazzari and I were vibe-ing, but much like a Tinder date I went on where the conversation was fine until the dude ate off the neighbor’s table, Lazzari and I lost our chemistry. It was when I realized that Lazzari’s argument was moving towards “alien Jesus doesn’t have to happen because God could save aliens without Jesus” that I was dearly disappointed. Sigh. Nonetheless, I’ll take a solid maybe on Mon Calamari Christ over a definite “no” any day. Besides one of the three main schools of alien stoeriology does argue for alien Jesus. So, we’re all good.
Lazzari’s claim about why it’s fitting for human Jesus to happen is worth reveling in on its own terms. I mean, how in the hell can you provide a counter-argument to “In order to go through New York City it is necessary to go through New York City”? Why, the only thing more certain is that, if you need to be there in time, you’re bound to hear “Ladies and gentleman: We are being held momentarily by the train’s dispatcher.”
Human Jesus was necessary in the way that things that happen are necessary to their happening. Ash Ketchum could have chosen Bulbasor to defeat his opponent, but this was not necessary to his winning the match with Pikachu. Pikachu is necessary to his winning the match with Pikachu. Thus, after Ash decided that he would win the match by using Pikachu, he chose Pikachu because it is necessary to use Pikachu to win a match by using Pikachu. God could have done anything he wanted to save humanity, but the Incarnation happened because God wanted the Incarnation to happen and it’s necessary for the Incarnation to happen for the Incarnation to happen.
After all, Lazzari says, “The infinite power and creativity of God ought not be unnecessarily curtailed in solving this problem” (449). I hope this means what I think it means: Why the hell would you just say “fuck it” when you are omnipotent and can create “hail and fire mingled with blood,” and “a bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit” and “four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men,” and other shit like this (KJV Revelation 8:7, 9:2-15)? Being God is kinda’ like being level 99 and using Scathe on a happy bunny because you can. Sure, you could walk past video game fodder since it’s not hostile, or you could kill it in one hit, but why be boring when you have super powers? So why just forgive humanity for disobeying you when you can create cosmic melodrama and burn immaterial souls in material fire forever?
Even though Lazzari has assured us that immateriality is the condition for immortality, a good saint tells us, “hell, which is also called a lake of fire and brimstone, will be material fire, and will torment the bodies of the damned, whether men or devils.” The reader can feel assured of the truth of this claim by its grounding in empirical method: “I have already sufficiently made out animals can live in the fire, in burning without being consumed, in pain without dying, by a miracle of the most omnipotent Creator…by whom has been made all that is wonderful in nature.” You see, problems only arise when you use your unaided human reason: “eternal punishment seems hard and unjust to human perceptions, because in the weakness of our mortal condition there is wanting that highest and purest wisdom by which it can be perceived how great a wickedness was committed” (St. Augustine, City of God).
Really, we need to shut-up. Since we can’t rely on human perception we need to listen to the reasoning of humans who are not us. Lazzari tells us, “St. Thomas holds it as divinely revealed that the Passion is a constitutive aspect of our salvation” and his reasons are “dependent on scripture” which is true because it is the word of God and the word of God is true (449-50). The Passion (i.e. getting nailed to wood by Romans) is for our salvation “for three reasons: for our salvation, so that the humiliation of the Passion should merit Christ’s exaltation, and that God’s prophecy through the prophets should be revealed” (449). What better reason for “our salvation” could there be than “for our salvation?” Also, everyone loves a comeback story and we need to fulfill our own prophecies or we’re gonna’ look like we were full of shit. Why did I buy a box of Cheez-Its at the grocery store at 3 a.m.? For three reasons: so I could buy Cheez-Its, because it was more satisfying since it looked like the shelf was empty until I found the last box hidden behind the Graham Crackers, and because I told my roommate I was going to bring back Cheez-Its. There ya’ go. We’re done here.
So basically, God didn’t have to incarnate as a God-human (i.e. become 200% awesome) or get nailed to wood, but he did those things anyway because it was fitting, therefore, God doesn’t have to incarnate as an alien. He could (Lazzari hasn’t said it’s impossible) but He doesn’t have to. There are other ways to save…such as just saving because you can. But also cosmic melodrama. That’s also an option.
Wait! Wait a minute. How come we can’t say that it’s fitting for God to incarnate as a Mon Calamari if they need saving? If it’s fitting for fallen humans to get human Jesus, how come it isn’t fitting for fallen aliens to get alien Jesus?
Are you trying to rely on your own unaided reason again? Tsk. Tsk. Bad habit to be in! Remember back to Lazzari’s discussion of fitting-ness as qualified necessity? Remember how it only becomes necessary to go through New York City to go through New York City after one has resolved to go through New York City? Lazzari told us: “if I have resolved to go to Boston from Washington by way of New York City, it is necessary that I pass through New York City to fulfill my resolution” (448).
Going from Washington by way of NYC to get to Boston is fitting when one has decided to go from Washington by way of NYC to get to Boston. How else could you get to Boston by way of NYC than by way of NYC? Likewise, it would only become necessary for alien Jesus to happen if God decided that alien Jesus would happen. In other words, it was fitting (i.e. necessary in a qualified sense) that Jesus happen because God resolved to get to our salvation by way of Jesus. In other words, human Jesus happened because God resolved that human Jesus would happen. Therefore, alien Jesus isn’t going to be fitting unless God wants alien Jesus to happen, in which case, the only way He will be able to get to Mon Calamari salvation by way of alien Jesus will be by way of alien Jesus. But that doesn’t have to happen unless He resolves to travel by way of alien Jesus to get to Mon Calamari salvation.
By the way, not only was it fitting for God to become human Jesus (i.e. the Incarnation) but it was also fitting that he get nailed to wood by Romans (i.e. the Passion) because, as Lazzari tells us, “St. Thomas states that it is also in accordance with God’s mercy that God should suffer for us to make satisfaction when we could not. Just as with the Incarnation, St. Thomas states that God could have saved humanity without the Passion, but that it was fitting that the elements of the fall should be used to undo the effects of the fall. It was fitting that humanity should make up for humanity’s fault, but it was only possible for God to make up for it” (450). So even after God became human Jesus, He could have had a garden party to redeem humanity but instead got crucified. Sipping mojitos with Joseph at the grill and Mary prepping sandwich squares in the kitchen just isn’t as fitting as having nails driven through your limbs and a spear in your side.
As Lazzari tells us, the “elements of the fall” need to be used to “undo the effects” of the fall. Personally, I have difficulty understanding what crucifixion has to do with eating apples. In fact, substitute those sandwich squares with some apple slices (provided they have tiny toothpicks in them for polite consumption) and it seems to me that we’ve come closer to the requirement that “the elements of the fall should be used to undo the effects of the fall” than stabbing a God-man. I mean, we’ve got the apples, we’ve got the humans eating the apples, and we’ve thrown in a stabby for good measure. There goes my pesky unaided reason again!
Depending on your relatives, you may or may not consider a garden party penance, but I think the general consensus would fall on the side of getting nailed to wood being more of a punishment–and the most fitting way to punish someone is to punish someone else, especially when the someone else is you and you’re God. As Lazzari tells us, this is more “in accordance with God’s mercy” than God just saying “Fuck it” and forgiving everybody. When people killed God, it undid the infinite badness of Adam’s eating an apple. Why? Because only God could make up for infinite badness. Speaking of Adam, Lazzari tells us, “they are not able to repair an infinite fault” (449). One wonders what the “they” could be referring to, since he has only been talking about Adam (don’t worry, Eve will come up once we get to the discussion of how woman is a vessel necessary for procreation). In any case, the take away is that Adam is only capable of doing an infinite naughty, not undoing an infinite naughty. It’s kind of like fork-bombing a computer system. It doesn’t take much to write the code, but once you set that shit in motion it recursively self-replicates ad infinitum until you’re denied access to your salvation.
Now that we know that aliens are not human and that God didn’t have to become a dude or get nailed to wood to save humanity but this happened anyway because God wanted it to, we can finally address the four different scenarios that were outlined at the bottom of the last post to discern whether or not we need alien Jesus.
We could not put it better than Lazzari himself, “Now the preliminary work has been done to speak about Thomistic soteriology and its application to the anthropology and cephalopodology stated above. Jesus Christ is the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity who assumed a full human nature (body and soul with all of its powers and faculties) of the Blessed Virgin Mary and united it with His divine nature for our salvation. While the merits of His actions were infinite, they were applied to human beings because of His assumption of our human nature” (448).
Now, I could go through Lazzari’s answer to each of the scenarios in the order in which I originally listed them but instead I’m going to start with the last one because this is most fitting. It is most fitting because I have resolved to address the last scenario first.
4) Because humanity fell, LITERALLY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WAS FUCKED.
In Lazzari’s words: “There are three main schools of theological thought on the issue of the soteriology of intelligent extraterrestrial life. The first and most commonly held by contemporary theologians is that any fallen intelligent extraterrestrial life would be incorporated into the sacrifice of Christ, much in the same way that it applies to human beings. The entire cosmos fell in Adam’s sin and thus the entire cosmos is redeemed in Christ” (451).
Let’s call this the trans-galactic savior school of Thomistic soteriology.
In this scenario there is only one Jesus required, since original sin incorporated the entire universe in one massive trans-galactic cluster-fuck. Thus, the undoing of original sin is the un-falling of the entire universe and not just humanity. (I wonder how the aliens would feel knowing that earthlings eating an apple cosmically fucked them over…)
In any case, it’s clear why this rules out alien Jesus. If one trans-galactic (or even trans-dimensional or trans-multi-verse Christ) covers everyone’s ass then there is no need for him to do it again. Sure, it’s not very inclusive for him to become a human on Earth and not a Mon Calamari on Mon Cala, but if you only need one savior, then it necessarily follows that most species will not be represented. In other words, big time
Lazzari cites Brian Graebe as a representative of the trans-galactic savior school:
Translation: The Lord and savior of over 2 Trillion Galaxies, each containing several billion stars and each of which is between 1,000 and 100,000 parsecs in diameter (3,000 to 300,000 light years) and each of which is separated from other galaxies by distances on the order of millions of parsecs (or megaparsecs) is a Jewish male of first-century Palestine and aliens are like brown people because they need conquistadors to colonize and evangelize them with super truth because that worked out great with the brown people.
I know the Aztecs were assholes and didn’t exactly have a utopia going on, but isn’t this whole glossing over the conquistador thing just a teensy bit of a problem?
As someone who actually believes brown people ideas I’ve gotta’ say that Shaktism makes a lot more sense than Lazzari’s crap but we can’t believe that because Christianity versus secularism. You are either a Christian or a non-Christian because these are the best categories to define everything so if you don’t believe a man with a beard is the center of the universe go sit at the atheist materialist and postmodern jibberish nihilist lunch table. With Richard Dawkins on your left and an upper-middle class anarcho-syndicalist Foucauldian on your right, you can sit there reading the Devi Gita desperately hoping that you can overcome duality and realize the identity of your soul with the transcendent Brahman which is the universal cosmic energy metaphorized by Shakti and forget that history has lodged you in a culture full of Christians and those whose rebellion against Christianity is still enslaved by its categories.
By the way, below is the Devi Gita or “Song of the Goddess” from the seventh book of the Devi-Bhagavata Purana. It will give you the gist of Shaktism, which basically follows Advaita Vedanta except that it uses a goddess to metaphorize ‘God’ or Brahman, which is not really a person but an “It,” that is, a transcendent absolute that grounds the entire universe and in which the entire universe participates (it’s similar to Western Neo-platonism). You achieve liberation when you realize you’re not a personality/ego, but a soul identical to Brahman/Shakti along with everything else (the Romantic poets I study end up saying similar shit but I’m not allowed to say that because Christianity versus Western materialism...)
The soul and the Goddess
[My sacred syllable ह्रीम्] transcends,
the distinction of name and named,
beyond all dualities.
It is whole,
infinite being, consciousness and bliss.
One should meditate on that reality,
within the flaming light of consciousness.
Fixing the mind upon me,
as the Goddess transcending all space and time,
One quickly merges with me by realizing,
the oneness of the soul and Brahman.
—Devi Gita, Transl: Lynn Foulston, Stuart Abbott
Devibhagavata Purana, Book 7
But back to the man with a beard…
Graebe seriously needs to watch Independence Day. I mean, what if instead of this:
The aliens turn out to be this:
Then I’m not so sure it will work out like it did with the brown people…
Nonetheless, my unaided reason has a few questions. Even if humanity ruined everything and human Jesus undid it, can the entire universe be fucked again by a different alien species committing original sin so that the entire universe needs alien Jesus (i.e. the entire universe sorta’ goes on and off the damnation wagon)? If matter matters and not just rational soul, how come God didn’t just make a megalopolo-Jesus made of a rational soul plus all the different kinds of alien matter in one big Katamari Christball so that the nature he assumed was that of everything all at once, thus optimizing both resource usage and efficiency of salvation? Like this:
Which we can represent with the Lazzari equation as follows:
Jesus = (Rational Soul + Human Stuff + Mon Calamari Stuff + Wookie Stuff + Twi’lek Stuff + Quarren Stuff + Aqualish Stuff + Ithorian Stuff + aliens) + God —> Jesus = Polyalien Redeemer
And if we are rolling with the ‘whole cosmos’ fell and not just humanity thing, then I guess that means that stuff without a rational soul like animals and plants and rocks and space voids and the three hydrogen atoms separated by 100 light-years each inside the space voids also needs redeeming, in which case the Lazzari equation would read:
Jesus = (Rational Soul + Human Stuff + Mon Calamari Stuff + Wookie Stuff + Twi’lek Stuff + Quarren Stuff + Aqualish Stuff + Ithorian Stuff + Cat Stuff + Fruitfly Stuff + Armchair Stuff + Pizza Stuff + Nostuff Stuff of Empty Space + General Carbon Atoms Stuff + everythingelse) + God —> Katamari-Christball-Trans-Galactic-Redeemer
Regardless of whether we have human Jesus or a Katamari Christball, are we to treat the un-falling of the entire universe as instantaneous? Under special relativity the travel of information is limited by the speed of light, so does this mean that, if salvation affected the entire universe at once, instead of travelling as information, trans-galactic Christ would have saved aliens that are super ultra far away when, from their perspective, earth was still a molten ball of melted rock without even tiny amoeba? Since, from the alien’s frame of reference, Adam and Jesus don’t exist yet, the aliens would be both fucked and saved before original sin happened.
The relativity of simultaneity dictates that there is no such thing as two spatially separated events occurring at the ‘same time’ since there is no absolute time but only frame of reference. If we do assume that salvation follows the laws of physics then we can assume that Adam’s fucking of the universe constitutes an event that spreads in a concentric sphere throughout space-time and is followed by the salvific act of a trans-galactic savior a couple thousand years later, which also spreads in a concentric sphere, leaving in-between said events an expanding concentric spherical shell of damned-no-matter-what such that Admiral Ackbar’s cousin may be damned while Admiral Ackbar is saved even if Ackbar died three seconds afterwards because his cousin was in the expanding concentric spherical shell of damned-no-matter-what while Ackbar slipped in by the width of a fingernail clip past the salvific boundary. Also, general relativity would make these spheres 4-dimensional analogues of spheres because gravity bends space-time so there aren’t really straight lines of space-time but let’s stop before unaided human reason damns the both of us.
Basically, imagine the first splodey ring is Adam and the second splodey ring is salvation:
Lazzari, however, writes off the trans-galactic savior hypothesis on the basis that only human nature fell because Adam was human when he did the infinite badness. Since only humans are human, the rest of the cosmos is fine because Adam only virtually contained all of humanity within himself, not the cosmos:
Only human nature was damaged. So literally every other entity in the entire cosmos was not metaphysically fucked over by a dude on earth. Good to know. However, I’m curious what a “non-moral disruption of the universe caused by humanity” is. Is that like how the utterance “save up to 50% on rebate purchases at Target” rings perpetually into every corner of space after being emitted by a radio in the Bronx such that this signal could conceivably be detected by a sentient species in another galaxy with a device sensitive to that radio frequency millions of light-years after the extinction of humanity?
Also, no hippie lions: “Natural carnivores (such as lions and falcons) would not have been herbivores” (Lazzari 447). Aw damn it, when I read in the Old Testament that “The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent’s meat” (Isaiah 65:25) I thought it meant that in an unfallen cosmos everybody chills at the vegan food court.
Also, in the unfallen vegan food court no one comes up to you to tell you that you need to leave because you’ve been here for five hours writing about alien Jesus on your laptop after ordering only a glass of water.
In conclusion, Lazzari likes that Graebe makes a Jewish male of first-century Palestine the center of the entire universe but doesn’t like his alien inclusivity:
You see, the relevance of Jesus has to do with his nature being human (and not alien). That’s why he could save all the humans including brown people and women but not the aliens since brown people and women have human nature and the definitive aspect of Jesus is his being human. Except that his cock matters when it comes to saying who can put the ghost in the toast and water-sprinkle babies to save them from the lake of fire. Then his male-ness is essential. God has a pokey and not a hole, so sorry ladies you can’t be priests. Ah, I can already hear your unaided human reason asking, “Wait, if Jesus only saved humans because he was human, then how come he didn’t only save men because he was male? If his male-ness is essential then wouldn’t this mean women are damned?” No. His cock did not matter. He redeemed everyone. “Then how come women can’t be priests and put the ghost in the toast to make the host?” Because cock Lord. You can make babies to be water-sprinkled though. That’s the gift of your womanhood. Wish we could give you the sorcerer robes, but we just can’t. Just like that DMV worker desperately wishes she could process your document but you only presented three forms of identification, not four, and a cable bill instead of two utilities bills, she simply does not have the authority to process your request. Likewise, “the Church has no authority to confer the sacrament of orders onto a woman” (452). You can become a saint, however, if you meet the proper requirements and you’ll be happy to hear that, unlike the DMV, only two, not three, miracles are required.
How wonderful is the Lord and how generous His mercy that He spares women and brown people for what Adam did! But what about Admiral Ackbar? What happens to his immortal soul? Don’t worry. Lazzari is a man of Christ and, therefore, his love extends to the farthest reaches of the galaxy:
“As will be seen below, a lack of a human nature does not exclude intelligent extraterrestrial life from salvation, but it does exclude it from entering into the graces of Christ in the same way that Christ established it (by means of a human nature) for humanity” (453).
Though the galaxy may be fallen, a new hope dawns on Mon Cala.
Will it be a theological auto-save? An auto-damnation? A Mon Calamari garden party with apple slices prepared with tiny toothpicks for polite consumption? Or will it be our greatest hope yet…
Find out in the next episode: Mon Cala Strikes Back.
Coming soon to a blog near you.